Am I allowed to make offhand remarks about being depressed, or is that too weird and upsetting for the people around me?
I don’t mean joking about being “depressed” despite being mentally healthy. I am actually a crazy person, of the sad type, and sometimes I’m suffering. That sounds hyper-dramatic but really, I suffer.
This morning I was drinking tea at the kitchen table and my mom told me, “I vote for you to wash your hair.” It’s an ongoing thing between us: I don’t care about being dirty but she thinks I’ll feel better if I’m clean. What I wanted to respond was, “Yeah, I was pretty depressed last night, so I probably should wash my hair.”
My dad was sitting at the table across from me, working on his computer. He made a joke about not realizing that votes were being collected. In such a normal, un-fraught situation, can I say what I was thinking? Is it too raw and candid? The words felt like they might be too raw and candid, too light for the serious subject. I stayed quiet.
My persistent dysfunction is a Big Deal. But it’s also an everyday part of my life. I feel like I should be able to talk about my mood like I would talk about the weather.
At the same time, I don’t want to disturb my conversational partners, to accidentally indicate that I’m in crisis. A certain amount of crisis simply attends my regular schedule. I wish I felt comfortable commenting on that.
Shucks, talk it out girl. Depression/ennui/existential dread ARE like the weather. It’s always there and sometimes it’s fucking uncomfortable and in your face and overwhelming, and sometimes it’s the same endless calm which itself is a kind of hell. Oh hell, it’s all hell. Ha!
THANK YOU FOR THIS.
What do you think would have happened if you had said the thing you thought? It doesn’t seem harsh or difficult to hear to me.
Hmm… that it would be a bummer. Thank you for weighing in.